A non-compromising policy.

And the day came when the voice of her intuition could be quiet no more.

She demanded of the world the same attention the world had demanded of her for so long.

She was seeing with a new set of eyes.  The ground cracked, her thunderous belly roared.  Everything was raw and everything hurt. But at least there was a fresh opening in her heart she could tend to.

There was a finality to this new non-compromising policy of hers.  No turning back. The pieces would land as they would have landed anyhow. But this time, she was in charge.

Reflecting, she realized it was all well worth the journey.

Disney is a friendly place.

So last night, my friends were talking about Disney World.

Noooooo!!!!!

ABSOLUTELY  NOT.

It's my worst nightmare, literally. I am quite clear that I would never ever ever go again. It's just too overwhelming for me, too many people, too much hustle 'n bustle. Too expensive. Too smelly. Actually, the thought of it makes me itch.

Ironically, just the other night we were watching Nurse Jackie, the episode where she describes rehab as Disney Land (or World, I forget). Oh, s**t, sorry for the leak. Um .... reverse spoiler alert!

I know that Disney was a way of Jackie hiding the fact that she went to rehab, but two Disney's in one week. It's a sign!

(Uggh, I feel sick. Disney queasy, like, ate a corn dog, drank Hawaiian Punch and went on the roller coaster, queasy).

OK - what if I stayed open, open to Disney? I mean, I've managed (mostly very well) so far being in an overwhelming, bustling, people-filled world. If I can handle Disney, I can handle anything really. Right? RIGHT? (help me please, where's my Kava?).

Truth is, no matter what the situation I really do know the calm happy place in me. I've been there. Sometimes I've even stayed a while. It's my responsibility to recognize when I'm getting itchy by any number of situations and go to my happy place.

Rainbows, Unicorns, Mud Pie.

Life will be overwhelming, guaranteed. Well, it CAN be overwhelming. We're people. Feeling people, caring people. As much as we may bury our heads in the sand sometimes about our own lives and the lives and circumstances around us, we feel things. I will go so far as to say that we know things, we are intuitive. There is a lot happening, in all aspects of all of our lives, all the time.

So yes, life can be overwhelming. It can be a freaky long line for a ride, or a $10 hot dog, or rehab with Nurse Jackie. But it's my choice as to how deeply I want to be involved in the disruptive and overwhelming level of things.

What a very cool discovery. Yay me! Who would have thought that sweet little friendly big-eared creatures (leading to the Worldwide Enterprise known as World / Land) would create such drama-trauma within me. And that I might find a message in it. The fact that I'm becoming this aware is kind of amazing to me. But still, even as I discover, I'm still uncomfortable. Pushing and pulling, flowing and stopping, moving through life's masses. So many people, and things, and situations, and emotions. And a full moon to boot.

Breathing. Deeply breathing ... Disney is a friendly place. Disney is a friendly place.

PS You might be able to convince me to wear one of those Minnie Mouse Ear yarmulkes but I will never ever go on the rides. I'll be sitting on a bench somewhere. But - you can trust I'll feel the ups and downs, just like you.

I don't mean a thing, 'til I do.

It's the end of January, 2013. I'm still detoxing from every dimension of the holiday season, yet there is the light. Literally. It's starting to get dark about an hour later now. This fills my body and mind with utter glee. 

Some terrible things have happened - Newtown broke me harder than 9/11. Physically,  my body, over the last 2 years or so, has been telling me in big aches and pains that it hasn't been happy with me. With a new album (yes, I said album) dropping (yes, I said dropping) in June, I am venturing out as a solo singer/songwriter for the first time in about 7 years. 

I'm sad, and achy and scared sometimes, but I'm motivated now. Super motivated - but in a 'bucket-list' kind of way which scares the s**t out of me because it means I'm aware that I might actually drop dead tomorrow. 

(sorry for the gloom and doom, it comes out every now and again)

I suppose I'm feeling the push of life telling me how timely it is now to begin really living it. Feeling my age creeping up, found gray hairs (I tucked them in, avoidance). And living on the left coast, with family on the right coast (NYC is always right in my book) so visits are more concentrated, more meaningful but not as frequent.

Oh wait, I bought my first pair of reading glasses! YAY.

So - with this new sense of awareness, illness, age and tragedy, there seems to be more presence now in my life. Well, I'm more present. I've actually had to slow down to about 1 mile per hour...my body won't allow anything faster. Everything has forced me into presence. However it had to happen, it happened and I'm glad it did.

Interesting that now, in the quiet, slow, intentional presence of my life, I haven't got a clue as to my next move. I mean, I have a general idea but I'm starting to wonder about my choices. Are they serving me? And do I know what it is I even want served? I suppose being perpetually anxious, sad, worried (you get the drift) was a not-so-sweet excuse for me to not listen to my inner voice. The inner voice that guides and loves, not the one that tells you that you're wrong, broken, worthless (you get the drift).

I'm not in midlife yet because I am convinced, unless I drop dead tomorrow, that I will live to 102 (that # feels really good to me for some reason). For sure, it's a crossroads where I'm at, and lately I've been really conscience of when and where I pause, when I move too quickly, when I stay stuck, what voice I'm answering to.

Trust and faith are making my heart beat faster and testing me so I can become steadier.

I usually don't mean a word I say, until now. See, my bucket list is requiring me to do every single thing I've ever said I wanted to do. #1 is a Tattoo, then to Maui, live on Upper West Side, sing on the Grammy's, open up for John Mayer (hey, I'm not limited!). From here on out, I mean everything I say and I mean to say things. I am also understanding that I mean everything - to me, and to others. I give meaning to my life and passions. As an aside, I'm also practicing NOT being mean - to me or others. ("you're not mean!" you say. oh yes, I can be.)

I mean every word when I say that yes, it's true, we humans can take just so much pain, sadness, illness, until we finally make a shift, or at least just recognize what is good in our life. I mean every word when I say that I'm a weepy mess when I think about the little girl that's me who's now in her 40...er, 30's...and what I may have missed in the decades so far, and people I may not have honored, and tasks I may not have completed.  And how fast that little girl grew up. Then I'm a happy mess when I see the sun set later, when I sing a song that moves me and others, and when I feel our strength, the strength that takes us through the most tragic of times. I am happy when I remember to see the beautiful woman that little girl has become.

The reality is that we make real whatever it is our soul is calling for us. Woo-woo, maybe, but it means something. It really does. I am doing what I say now, holding myself accountable, sifting through the "shoulds", discovering who I am, taking care of me, breaking my own mold. I am noticing life, embodying this new self. I am here to be, and to do, and recognize how we all fit.

I am, and I really mean it this time.

Oh the Places I go

Call it spiritual seeking, personal transformation, growth.

Most days I call it hormones, hysteria, irrational lunacy, a self-fueled craving for something.

I feel like I have lost my mind.

In a way, yes.

When my mind is gone, sitting quietly is finally an option. Praise God! And I don't have to give any regard to the time or what others need, or anything really. Ah, peace. You are finally mine.

Then, pondering.

"Laura, What the heck was THAT??!"  I ask my poor withered body, my Sanctuary which is simply a place for Love to dwell, yet also the place where my emotions like to hang out (sometimes it's a wine bar, just sayin'). My head spent the last 3 weeks bouncing to and fro (from the inside mind you) and  I am exhausted. 

Yes, I FEEL EVERYTHING. 

I co-create with Life to discover a deeper sense of something. And the thing is - I want answers! I'll co-create with you, Life, but show me something, anything, an indicator that I'm doing it right. It's maddening, but what hyper sensitive artistic astrological "you are such a sweet Cancer" like me isn't half baked and living on the edge of some type of drama? (don't say yes. I'm not into enabling). We all need to draw out the inexplicable and experience something beyond what's in front of us, don't we? 

What does life want so badly from me that I am disturbed and needed 24/7? That I must feel everything, and be available to all, and I must lose my s**t so I can be the reason for an aftermath?

Stop pulling me!!

I've felt it more and more lately; the tugs are almost Edgar Allen Poe-ish. I'm guessing it might be what a mom feels, ramping up to an emotional explosion on their poor little 2 year old who keeps tugging on the bottom of their coat, starting slowly, then the tugs get more frequent:

"Ma, Ma, Mommy, Mother, Ma, Ma, Ma".

WHAT????

"I love you".

I have been waiting months and months to have some insight, any insight, on ANYTHING. Some clarity as to why I am pushed and pulled until something comes out of me. Pushed to the left, pulled to the right, turned upside down (If you want the coins in my pocket, can't you just ASK? Jeez).

Is there something you can give me, dear sweet Universe, something more than emotions and feelings, something beyond the tugs? I so desperately need to express, and I think I'm ordering incorrectly. You keep bringing me pasta and I told you I'm gluten-free.

"Tug, Tug, Tug. Um, Laura?"

"Yes,Universe?"

"Um ... here's the thing: You are ALWAYS an expression of Me".

Hmmmm.

So the ups and downs are just waves, opportunities to delve into artistic expression? Moments to love myself even though I'm just a perpetual emotional mess? Or maybe the ups and downs are really an alarm clock:

Crying Fit! 

Ding! 

Good Morning! Time to get up and write a blog post!

I'm exhausted. My brain is fried. My bones hurt.

I do know that in my life, I go to many places - and in the end, this is what I think is happening (Universe, I'm open to constructive criticism):

Growth shows up how it shows up. It shows up in ways that feel unjust, inhuman, not compassionate. Maybe those growth spurts, as dark or light-filled as they appear, are chances for me to engage in listening. The more I listen, the more I really hear and hearing is the deepest connective place, where the most juicy creations come from. I guess I can practice paying attention to those ups and downs instead of letting them sweep me up. Quite frankly, I'm tired of the messes left behind (cleaning isn't really my thing).

So my little life path is mine to experience, unique and delicious, crazy-making and intense. My energy will be a mad buzz from point A to point Z and all the crazy points in between. But they are my points, my way of experiencing what is mine to experience. What more can I do but journey my own journey.

What's next on the horizon, I have no idea. I do know that Oh the places I go? Yeah, sometimes they aren't too pleasant for me, and others in the immediate vicinity, and they make me tired, but the output of glistening gems that come later are such a great reward. It's taxing for me, but I go, to the moon and back, fueled by the feeling of everything, for the great reward reminds me that there is more than the cosmic explosion experience. I'm digging into the middle to find the gem.

I feel it all so be mindful, Universe, OK?  I'm just a sweet little Cancer.

Responsibility is Personal.

I have been pondering the notion of "personal responsibility", taking just a moment each day to think about the things out there in the world that make me upset, things that trigger me and challenge my knowledge of fairness and equality, and - is it possible, could it be true, that what I see out there in the world is mirroring what's happening in here?

Thanks for coming to the party, blame and projection, but it's time for you to go. Here's some Advil and cab fare.

OK, so here's an example that came up for me yesterday, around this idea of "bringing it back to self":

ME: "Don't the Occupy rally attendees know that they contributed to the economic challenges we're now facing? That it's not just the wealthy folks and the banks that have created the imbalance? Don't they remember all the stuff they bought on their credit cards, stuff they couldn't afford, stuff that's now piled high in the garage? Didn't some of them buy big houses and borrow lots of money they knew they couldn't pay back?" (man, don't I sound mean.).

The new, SELF-DISCOVERED ME: Where in my life have I overspent, collected things to soothe my heart? Where have I lived outside my means? When in my life did I not take ownership of my thoughts, my actions and considered how they would affect others? Where have I felt deprived? Where have I defined myself by the #'s in my checkbook? Really???

This practice is not for the faint-of-heart. Self-reflection promises to magnify EVERYTHING in your life. It's very very good, but can be uncomfortable, painful, depressing, agitating. It's true, I mean, I'm uncomfortable just writing all this. Yet, I'm beginning to understand what an imperative step this type of process is not only for our own personal healing, but for collective healing of the world. And only through this process, I believe, will we then begin to see the world change for the better.

Imagine your life is plentiful, you are free from physical and emotional pain, you and all are forgiven, and there is no blame. Imagine our world where everyone is free, there is plenty for all, there is no pain, and there is no blame.

ME: Us and Them.

The NEW, SELF-DISCOVERED ME: ONE.

Yes, responsibility is personal.  My eyes well, my joy swells, my spirit is well.

Re-entry.

It is calling to me again.

I make my way inside, it's safe in here. A warm, glorious heaven. A breeding place for the world's goodness, the all-in-one structure that is me, and every last thing.

I am staying and I am not afraid...

Creating again and intending to get opened.

Open wide, I let the sea grow & flow inside my womb, the earth's heart-space, making it possible for me to be fully alone while I float eloquently.

I am made here, born to myself.

Fluid feeds my heart, pumping me, and the world, full of what it needs.

I could swim here forever but ...

It is painful, leaving and re-entering, but I am compelled to experience this coming in and out of myself over and over and over again. The door is always open.

Little Fairy Wings.

I'm at my friend Karen's house, typing on her office computer. I love this room! So much light coming through the big window, a great vibey space.

I just looked to my left out the window and outside there are the biggest widest leaves I've ever seen on this palm-tree type Cali plant. I mean, these leaves are HUGE. I honestly feel like I could get up on one of those leaves and slide on down like a Fairy in a Disney film into a delicious, pool of water. Splish splash, I am having a blast!

And wouldn't you know it that just yesterday by the pool, I saw this very same plant, just from another angle, and from much further away. It looked just as magestic, and proud and green. Nothing Fairy-ish came to mind but I did marvel at its beauty.

I am amazed by life: It never ever stops offering us opportunities to see from a different persepctive, to experience, and feel, and love, from all directions. Even in the familiar, there never ceases to be a way-in that's new.

I suppose it's our job to practice seeing with a sense of newness that we may not be accustomed to. To see with newness, we must practice slowing down, breathing, smiling.

Imagine how we'll all be noticing life in a new way when can feel our own hearts again. Because we are God's little Pixies, here to create and carry out our own little adventures - splish, splash, Cleaning off the little Fairy wings! They need to be sparklie and fresh because they are our transportation to Neverland, where the adventure lands, but never ever grows old and where every boy and girl is free to fly to and fro as the light, to the light. We can be like little fireflies flitting about by our little Fairy wings, seeing what's around each bend, smiling all the way.

Ahhh....I could get used to this.