Friday, June 29, 2012
Call it spiritual seeking, personal transformation, growth.
Most days I call it hormones, hysteria, irrational lunacy, a self-fueled craving for something.
I feel like I have lost my mind.
In a way, yes.
When my mind is gone, sitting quietly is finally an option. Praise God! And I don't have to give any regard to the time or what others need, or anything really. Ah, peace. You are finally mine.
"Laura, What the heck was THAT??!" I ask my poor withered body, my Sanctuary which is simply a place for Love to dwell, yet also the place where my emotions like to hang out (sometimes it's a wine bar, just sayin'). My head spent the last 3 weeks bouncing to and fro (from the inside mind you) and I am exhausted.
Yes, I FEEL EVERYTHING.
I co-create with Life to discover a deeper sense of something. And the thing is - I want answers! I'll co-create with you, Life, but show me something, anything, an indicator that I'm doing it right. It's maddening, but what hyper sensitive artistic astrological "you are such a sweet Cancer" like me isn't half baked and living on the edge of some type of drama? (don't say yes. I'm not into enabling). We all need to draw out the inexplicable and experience something beyond what's in front of us, don't we?
What does life want so badly from me that I am disturbed and needed 24/7? That I must feel everything, and be available to all, and I must lose my s**t so I can be the reason for an aftermath?
Stop pulling me!!
I've felt it more and more lately; the tugs are almost Edgar Allen Poe-ish. I'm guessing it might be what a mom feels, ramping up to an emotional explosion on their poor little 2 year old who keeps tugging on the bottom of their coat, starting slowly, then the tugs get more frequent:
"Ma, Ma, Mommy, Mother, Ma, Ma, Ma".
"I love you".
I have been waiting months and months to have some insight, any insight, on ANYTHING. Some clarity as to why I am pushed and pulled until something comes out of me. Pushed to the left, pulled to the right, turned upside down (If you want the coins in my pocket, can't you just ASK? Jeez).
Is there something you can give me, dear sweet Universe, something more than emotions and feelings, something beyond the tugs? I so desperately need to express, and I think I'm ordering incorrectly. You keep bringing me pasta and I told you I'm gluten-free.
"Tug, Tug, Tug. Um, Laura?"
"Um ... here's the thing: You are ALWAYS an expression of Me".
So the ups and downs are just waves, opportunities to delve into artistic expression? Moments to love myself even though I'm just a perpetual emotional mess? Or maybe the ups and downs are really an alarm clock:
Good Morning! Time to get up and write a blog post!
I'm exhausted. My brain is fried. My bones hurt.
I do know that in my life, I go to many places - and in the end, this is what I think is happening (Universe, I'm open to constructive criticism):
Growth shows up how it shows up. It shows up in ways that feel unjust, inhuman, not compassionate. Maybe those growth spurts, as dark or light-filled as they appear, are chances for me to engage in listening. The more I listen, the more I really hear and hearing is the deepest connective place, where the most juicy creations come from. I guess I can practice paying attention to those ups and downs instead of letting them sweep me up. Quite frankly, I'm tired of the messes left behind (cleaning isn't really my thing).
So my little life path is mine to experience, unique and delicious, crazy-making and intense. My energy will be a mad buzz from point A to point Z and all the crazy points in between. But they are my points, my way of experiencing what is mine to experience. What more can I do but journey my own journey.
What's next on the horizon, I have no idea. I do know that Oh the places I go? Yeah, sometimes they aren't too pleasant for me, and others in the immediate vicinity, and they make me tired, but the output of glistening gems that come later are such a great reward. It's taxing for me, but I go, to the moon and back, fueled by the feeling of everything, for the great reward reminds me that there is more than the cosmic explosion experience. I'm digging into the middle to find the gem.
I feel it all so be mindful, Universe, OK? I'm just a sweet little Cancer.
Posted by laurabsings at 12:47 PM