A non-compromising policy.

And the day came when the voice of her intuition could be quiet no more.

She demanded of the world the same attention the world had demanded of her for so long.

She was seeing with a new set of eyes.  The ground cracked, her thunderous belly roared.  Everything was raw and everything hurt. But at least there was a fresh opening in her heart she could tend to.

There was a finality to this new non-compromising policy of hers.  No turning back. The pieces would land as they would have landed anyhow. But this time, she was in charge.

Reflecting, she realized it was all well worth the journey.

Disney is a friendly place.

So last night, my friends were talking about Disney World.

Noooooo!!!!!

ABSOLUTELY  NOT.

It's my worst nightmare, literally. I am quite clear that I would never ever ever go again. It's just too overwhelming for me, too many people, too much hustle 'n bustle. Too expensive. Too smelly. Actually, the thought of it makes me itch.

Ironically, just the other night we were watching Nurse Jackie, the episode where she describes rehab as Disney Land (or World, I forget). Oh, s**t, sorry for the leak. Um .... reverse spoiler alert!

I know that Disney was a way of Jackie hiding the fact that she went to rehab, but two Disney's in one week. It's a sign!

(Uggh, I feel sick. Disney queasy, like, ate a corn dog, drank Hawaiian Punch and went on the roller coaster, queasy).

OK - what if I stayed open, open to Disney? I mean, I've managed (mostly very well) so far being in an overwhelming, bustling, people-filled world. If I can handle Disney, I can handle anything really. Right? RIGHT? (help me please, where's my Kava?).

Truth is, no matter what the situation I really do know the calm happy place in me. I've been there. Sometimes I've even stayed a while. It's my responsibility to recognize when I'm getting itchy by any number of situations and go to my happy place.

Rainbows, Unicorns, Mud Pie.

Life will be overwhelming, guaranteed. Well, it CAN be overwhelming. We're people. Feeling people, caring people. As much as we may bury our heads in the sand sometimes about our own lives and the lives and circumstances around us, we feel things. I will go so far as to say that we know things, we are intuitive. There is a lot happening, in all aspects of all of our lives, all the time.

So yes, life can be overwhelming. It can be a freaky long line for a ride, or a $10 hot dog, or rehab with Nurse Jackie. But it's my choice as to how deeply I want to be involved in the disruptive and overwhelming level of things.

What a very cool discovery. Yay me! Who would have thought that sweet little friendly big-eared creatures (leading to the Worldwide Enterprise known as World / Land) would create such drama-trauma within me. And that I might find a message in it. The fact that I'm becoming this aware is kind of amazing to me. But still, even as I discover, I'm still uncomfortable. Pushing and pulling, flowing and stopping, moving through life's masses. So many people, and things, and situations, and emotions. And a full moon to boot.

Breathing. Deeply breathing ... Disney is a friendly place. Disney is a friendly place.

PS You might be able to convince me to wear one of those Minnie Mouse Ear yarmulkes but I will never ever go on the rides. I'll be sitting on a bench somewhere. But - you can trust I'll feel the ups and downs, just like you.

I don't mean a thing, 'til I do.

It's the end of January, 2013. I'm still detoxing from every dimension of the holiday season, yet there is the light. Literally. It's starting to get dark about an hour later now. This fills my body and mind with utter glee. 

Some terrible things have happened - Newtown broke me harder than 9/11. Physically,  my body, over the last 2 years or so, has been telling me in big aches and pains that it hasn't been happy with me. With a new album (yes, I said album) dropping (yes, I said dropping) in June, I am venturing out as a solo singer/songwriter for the first time in about 7 years. 

I'm sad, and achy and scared sometimes, but I'm motivated now. Super motivated - but in a 'bucket-list' kind of way which scares the s**t out of me because it means I'm aware that I might actually drop dead tomorrow. 

(sorry for the gloom and doom, it comes out every now and again)

I suppose I'm feeling the push of life telling me how timely it is now to begin really living it. Feeling my age creeping up, found gray hairs (I tucked them in, avoidance). And living on the left coast, with family on the right coast (NYC is always right in my book) so visits are more concentrated, more meaningful but not as frequent.

Oh wait, I bought my first pair of reading glasses! YAY.

So - with this new sense of awareness, illness, age and tragedy, there seems to be more presence now in my life. Well, I'm more present. I've actually had to slow down to about 1 mile per hour...my body won't allow anything faster. Everything has forced me into presence. However it had to happen, it happened and I'm glad it did.

Interesting that now, in the quiet, slow, intentional presence of my life, I haven't got a clue as to my next move. I mean, I have a general idea but I'm starting to wonder about my choices. Are they serving me? And do I know what it is I even want served? I suppose being perpetually anxious, sad, worried (you get the drift) was a not-so-sweet excuse for me to not listen to my inner voice. The inner voice that guides and loves, not the one that tells you that you're wrong, broken, worthless (you get the drift).

I'm not in midlife yet because I am convinced, unless I drop dead tomorrow, that I will live to 102 (that # feels really good to me for some reason). For sure, it's a crossroads where I'm at, and lately I've been really conscience of when and where I pause, when I move too quickly, when I stay stuck, what voice I'm answering to.

Trust and faith are making my heart beat faster and testing me so I can become steadier.

I usually don't mean a word I say, until now. See, my bucket list is requiring me to do every single thing I've ever said I wanted to do. #1 is a Tattoo, then to Maui, live on Upper West Side, sing on the Grammy's, open up for John Mayer (hey, I'm not limited!). From here on out, I mean everything I say and I mean to say things. I am also understanding that I mean everything - to me, and to others. I give meaning to my life and passions. As an aside, I'm also practicing NOT being mean - to me or others. ("you're not mean!" you say. oh yes, I can be.)

I mean every word when I say that yes, it's true, we humans can take just so much pain, sadness, illness, until we finally make a shift, or at least just recognize what is good in our life. I mean every word when I say that I'm a weepy mess when I think about the little girl that's me who's now in her 40...er, 30's...and what I may have missed in the decades so far, and people I may not have honored, and tasks I may not have completed.  And how fast that little girl grew up. Then I'm a happy mess when I see the sun set later, when I sing a song that moves me and others, and when I feel our strength, the strength that takes us through the most tragic of times. I am happy when I remember to see the beautiful woman that little girl has become.

The reality is that we make real whatever it is our soul is calling for us. Woo-woo, maybe, but it means something. It really does. I am doing what I say now, holding myself accountable, sifting through the "shoulds", discovering who I am, taking care of me, breaking my own mold. I am noticing life, embodying this new self. I am here to be, and to do, and recognize how we all fit.

I am, and I really mean it this time.