Sunday, January 27, 2013

I don't mean a thing, 'til I do.

It's the end of January, 2013. I'm still detoxing from every dimension of the holiday season, yet there is the light. Literally. It's starting to get dark about an hour later now. This fills my body and mind with utter glee. 

Some terrible things have happened - Newtown broke me harder than 9/11. Physically,  my body, over the last 2 years or so, has been telling me in big aches and pains that it hasn't been happy with me. With a new album (yes, I said album) dropping (yes, I said dropping) in June, I am venturing out as a solo singer/songwriter for the first time in about 7 years. 

I'm sad, and achy and scared sometimes, but I'm motivated now. Super motivated - but in a 'bucket-list' kind of way which scares the s**t out of me because it means I'm aware that I might actually drop dead tomorrow. 

(sorry for the gloom and doom, it comes out every now and again)

I suppose I'm feeling the push of life telling me how timely it is now to begin really living it. Feeling my age creeping up, found gray hairs (I tucked them in, avoidance). And living on the left coast, with family on the right coast (NYC is always right in my book) so visits are more concentrated, more meaningful but not as frequent.

Oh wait, I bought my first pair of reading glasses! YAY.

So - with this new sense of awareness, illness, age and tragedy, there seems to be more presence now in my life. Well, I'm more present. I've actually had to slow down to about 1 mile per body won't allow anything faster. Everything has forced me into presence. However it had to happen, it happened and I'm glad it did.

Interesting that now, in the quiet, slow, intentional presence of my life, I haven't got a clue as to my next move. I mean, I have a general idea but I'm starting to wonder about my choices. Are they serving me? And do I know what it is I even want served? I suppose being perpetually anxious, sad, worried (you get the drift) was a not-so-sweet excuse for me to not listen to my inner voice. The inner voice that guides and loves, not the one that tells you that you're wrong, broken, worthless (you get the drift).

I'm not in midlife yet because I am convinced, unless I drop dead tomorrow, that I will live to 102 (that # feels really good to me for some reason). For sure, it's a crossroads where I'm at, and lately I've been really conscience of when and where I pause, when I move too quickly, when I stay stuck, what voice I'm answering to.

Trust and faith are making my heart beat faster and testing me so I can become steadier.

I usually don't mean a word I say, until now. See, my bucket list is requiring me to do every single thing I've ever said I wanted to do. #1 is a Tattoo, then to Maui, live on Upper West Side, sing on the Grammy's, open up for John Mayer (hey, I'm not limited!). From here on out, I mean everything I say and I mean to say things. I am also understanding that I mean everything - to me, and to others. I give meaning to my life and passions. As an aside, I'm also practicing NOT being mean - to me or others. ("you're not mean!" you say. oh yes, I can be.)

I mean every word when I say that yes, it's true, we humans can take just so much pain, sadness, illness, until we finally make a shift, or at least just recognize what is good in our life. I mean every word when I say that I'm a weepy mess when I think about the little girl that's me who's now in her, 30's...and what I may have missed in the decades so far, and people I may not have honored, and tasks I may not have completed.  And how fast that little girl grew up. Then I'm a happy mess when I see the sun set later, when I sing a song that moves me and others, and when I feel our strength, the strength that takes us through the most tragic of times. I am happy when I remember to see the beautiful woman that little girl has become.

The reality is that we make real whatever it is our soul is calling for us. Woo-woo, maybe, but it means something. It really does. I am doing what I say now, holding myself accountable, sifting through the "shoulds", discovering who I am, taking care of me, breaking my own mold. I am noticing life, embodying this new self. I am here to be, and to do, and recognize how we all fit.

I am, and I really mean it this time.